Every day, for nine out of ten years, at East Cadlow Facility, unless it was freezing or pouring or they were in lockdown, Run circled the track. On even days, everyone walked or ran in one direction. On odd days, it switched. At first he just walked and spaced out. He didn’t vary his pace, he didn’t try to strike up conversations with any of the other inmates, he didn’t even really think about anything. Run listened to the various rhythms his shoes made when they hit the ground. He tried to stick to the same beat for long periods of time. He listened to the crickets and cicadas and the rush of traffic on the freeway that was separated from the facility by forest and fence. He seemed untouchable, as if he didn’t really inhabit his own space.
Even he knew that talking to him could be frustrating for others. To say that what he heard or saw went in and just went right out wasn’t accurate; he observed and he absorbed, he felt things, but most feelings were like boats taking on water, bobbing for a bit, before slowly sinking to the bottom.
His therapy schedule was more aggressive than some, less than others. He spoke with Darius once a week for an hour. He attended group sessions twice a week. He spoke when he was asked to, was quiet when there was nothing to say, and otherwise he stuck to the pockmarked, weedy track. By year two he was running, not walking. He kept a steady pace for hours and would go through meditative or memory exercises while he ran. Even at his fastest, his mind never raced with his body.
Free at last, with nothing left to do but sit or wait for this thing or that person, Run sat on the olive green couch and found himself unsure of what to do next. He kicked around the idea of living up to his name. First he went next door to the payphone to call his moms, who did in fact have a phone for him, which they insisted on bringing over right away.
He saw their shadows round the corner by the elevator on his floor before he saw them: Mia with same trim haircut she had been getting for years, in a loudly patterned, short sleeve shirt and cargo shorts, another familiar trait and Kate with long, wildly unruly curls gone grey and black t-shirt and jeans. Both carried full grocery bags in each hand, and he couldn’t help but notice Mia wincing a bit as she walked. Probably her knee again, and if he brought it up, she’d yell at him.
“We brought you some clothes,” Mia said, grabbing his arm and not letting go of him so he could start taking the bags they’d carried up.
“I still think it might be easier for you to live with us for a bit, save up so you’ve got some cushion. I know the couch isn’t great, but it’s free. Oh, I brought your old safety pillow, Mr. Lion.” Mom swung one bag up and shook it. “Washed him and everything.”
“Kate, he’s twenty seven! And you haven’t seen him in weeks so try to save the lectures,” Mia said, before Run could respond.
“It’s fine. Let me take all that. Thank you,” he cut in. “I’m just this way a couple of turns.
When they got through the door he hugged both of them together for a long time, and then one at a time. Fuck, it was nice to hug for more than a count of five.
“Oh this is a lot better than I expected, but that kitchen is weird, isn’t it, Mia?”
“The kitchen is fine. Again, he’s twenty seven. A weird kitchen in an apartment with a roommate is practically a right of passage.” Mia set the bags down and stepped into the living room. “I like the plants. They’re supposed to be good for depression, you know? So healthy too. Your mom kills plants on purpose, I swear. Or the fucking cat eats them.”
“Mia don’t pick on Mom,” Run interjected, plucking the bag with his round, yellow childhood pillow from her hand. He peeked in the bag and smiled to see it, well-worn, a little gross to be honest, but welcome. “Thank you again. I don’t want to be rude, but I am really kind of exhausted after today. The bus ride was long and I think I’ve been awake since yesterday. Is it okay if we don’t visit too long today?”
“Honey, we understand. We’ll only stay another minute. Are you sure you don’t want to come home tonight, just to get some rest? And some food?”
Run stopped her before Mia could, saying, “I’m okay. Just sleepy. I promise I’ll come over tomorrow or the next day and hang out for dinner. Okay?”
“Fine, fine, we’re going to go.” Kate snuck in another hugged and sniffed a few times, before wiping both eyes with her hand. “I just missed you kiddo.”
“I missed you too. A lot. I just need some space to process. I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” he promised.
“Okay, okay, I’m fine, don’t make me cry. I cry at everything. Give me another hug first though.”
“I’ll walk you down,” Run said, slipping between them for another long embrace, comfortable enough that for a minute he thought he might go home with them after all.
“You’re not too tired?” Kate asked, her tone playful.
Run rolled his eyes. Nevermind.
“Kate!”
“Mia!
They agreed, but stayed long enough for hugs and admonishments to come, spend time at home and reminders that he could always come home at any time if things with the new roommate didn’t work out, and did they mention how much they would love to have him home? He managed to convince them that he was exhausted and needed a little space for himself to process, but that he did indeed love them and wanted to spend time with them. Which led to promises about when that would be and then finally he was alone. Still, he could tell that they were hurt that he didn’t invite them in to sit and talk and stay.
Not long after he found himself standing with a hand on the doorknob for a long time, unable to move. He hadn’t lied, he did need space to process, but that didn’t mean sitting still. The DOC sweatpants were pretty heavy for the weather, but the sun was starting to go down so he wouldn’t be too warm for very long. It might be nice to run on something other than a track. Or it might not. Apprehension bubbled up and then sank. Finally, he shoved his new keys in one pocket and his expired ID in the other and left. Another thing he had to remember to handle.
Run walked the first few blocks, taking note along the way of the new and the old landmarks of Sauner: bus stop-old, tech shop-new, resale shop-old, pawn shop-old, bus stop-new, shoe store-new, diner-old, salon-new, benches-very new, water fountain-same, alleyway-old obviously, bus stop-old. He made a rhythm of it and picked up speed. There were a few sad, iron-gated trees growing up from the sidewalks, like the ones withering at the hotel, in slightly better shape. They’d looked this sad ten years ago, Run thought as he reached for his stride. He felt lighter and lighter as he went on, his exhalations shed weight, he might even lift off if he went fast enough.
The evening was textured and sharp with sound and light like he hadn’t experienced in so long that it pierced him through: this is outside of the fence! This is outside, outside, outside, outside his heart pumped and he set his pace to it.
Many blocks and a few miles in, the sky was on fire ahead of him and the streetlamps and neon came to life. He ran down an entire block of pink signs that blinked and flashed NUDE, XXX, PRIVATE DANCERS, SEX SHOP INSIDE. The next block was lively and crowded by people and bar tables; rather than continuing into the crowd he turned at the light where a few people inched closer to the crosswalk as the light turned yellow, and struck off towards the lake. After a short distance the sidewalk cut off and there was only the sound of his feet quickly punching into the gravel and dim light coming from the marina. And just past the marina would be the tree he drove into.
Had he come here on purpose? It hadn’t been on his mind, or maybe it had, and like everything else, it was underwater, too soggy to really come all the way to the surface, and then it piggybacked on that burst of excitement. Excitement? That wasn’t the right word, not really. Anyway, he didn’t feel it anymore.
Run’s memories from what everyone just called ‘the accident’ were from the wrong perspective. He was someone who could remember a birthday party from when he was three, whole pages of his favorite books, and every major event in his life after that, but he couldn’t remember aiming, or the impact. No matter how he thought, dreamed, or approached the memory, what he recalled was actually being hit. He saw car lights approaching him too quickly, briefly felt a pain so searing that it seemed to obliterate him entirely, and then he woke up draped over the steering wheel, struggling to breathe.
From then on, he felt disconnected at the root. He observed his own memories as if they were someone else’s. What he felt at most was a slow, cold indifference. If it was time to eat, he did. If it was time to sleep, sure, he would do that too. He didn’t enjoy the things he had before, but he also didn’t feel like someone who would deliberately drive into a tree.
Run walked over to the stump where the tree had been. There was a wooden roadside stake that said Nathan, Gone Too Soon. A yellow teddy bear had been placed there somewhat recently–it was still pretty clean.
“Shit,” Run whispered. He turned away from the stump and the memorial remnants and crouched down. He thought, It would be normal to cry right now. When he looked up though he saw headlights coming right at him and fell backwards onto the gravel. No, no, no. no–
There was no impact. No car came barreling at him. For the first time in a long time he felt shaken. Out of breath. Frightened. Run stood up under the flood lamp until his breathing was normal, facing away from the memorial. He was nauseated but started home anyway, speeding up as quickly as he could.
After a couple days, Neko and Run still hadn’t crossed paths in person. When Neko came home from work it was always around three or four in the morning and Run was too asleep to notice. They, so far, woke up and went to work while Run was at appointments or running errands and all of their interactions up to this point were still through quick notes or text messages.
Tuesday
Hi Neko, it’s Run. Your new roommate. Here’s my number.
Thanks for the sheets and clothes and everything.
Heyo! Hope you’re getting settled!
And no problem
I left some leftover Tikka Masala in the
fridge – have some if you’d like
Wednesday
Thanks
I’ll be at my moms’ for a couple nights.
Thursday
I’ll be home late but have to leave early
so I probably won’t see you.
I was given a cactus, where should I put it?
<cactus.jpg>
I love the cactus! What’s its name????
It doesn’t have one.
I’ve never named a plant before.
In that case, I insist that you choose the name.
I’m not very good at naming things.
Too bad, name your son, sir, I must insist.
How about Pokey? Mr. Cactus?
Very serious name choices, I like them.
Tells you exactly what you’re going to get.
Do the other plants have names?
Of course!
I’ll introduce you when we finally meet in person
I’ll be around this weekend
You? When do you start work?
I’ll be here. I don’t start work until next week.
Awesome! We should hang out a bit!
Where will you be working?
My moms’ corner store.
It’s nice that they look out for you!
Alright, have to go, ttyl!
Also, put the cactus in the window.
Friday
Okay. His name is Goldfish.
I asked my little brother for help.
I like it. Sounds like a good uncle.
I’m almost home, want food?
On the bus, Neko turned in their seat and asked the person next to them, “Is it weird to ask your roommate for a selfie when you’ve still not met them face to face?”
An older woman in large black sunglasses that rivaled Neko’s in size raised her head up from her book, shrugged, and then looked back down without answering. She seemed to be entirely composed of bright scarves, brass bangles clicking against each other when she moved, and an assortment of long necklaces that caught and returned light from the window and back out.
Neko took a couple of selfies, studied them for a moment, and sent the one they liked best.
<Neko_on_a_bus.jpg>
Send one back!
Okay. His name is Goldfish.
I a<run_in_his_room.jpg>
“Extremely not bad,” Neko murmured. “Want to see?” They joked in the direction of Sunglasses Lady.
The woman shrugged and leaned over to see. She gave a grumpy thumbs up, bracelets shaking as if they were signaling approval too, and Neko laughed for a long time after that, before asking, “Not bad right? Extremely not bad.”
“It’s bad news to fuck your roommates,” Sunglasses Lady said as she pulled the stop cord. “Trust me on that one,” she sighed over her shoulder and Neko nearly dropped their phone.
Neko: WHY AM I STILL NOT ON STAGE?
Author: Because I was making another playlist.
UPDATED 3/4/22 +1000 words